Nervous Breakdancing

The 15 Best Undiscovered Rob Ford Gifs

There’s been a lot of controversy surrounding Toronto mayor Rob Ford this week. In all the hullabaloo, I found that a lot of people were overlooking new and exciting gifs of him in favour of debating his suitability as mayor. So, in case you missed them, here are the 15 Best Undiscovered Rob Ford Gifs.

1. Rob Ford attempts to bend over and punch dying cyclist, rips his trousers.

2. Rob Ford attempts to sing national anthem at community football game, hornets swarm out of his mouth.

3. Rob Ford attempts to cut tomato, squirts juice in his eye, accidentally pulls down whole rack of dishes trying to grab towel.

4. Rob Ford attempts to jump off high dive, chickens out, shamefully climbs back down ladder while preteens snicker.

5. Rob Ford attempts to fist bump a black man, instead punches his mother in the face.

6. Rob Ford attempts to free himself from the inside of a tiny jungle gym.

7. Rob Ford attempts to cut ribbon at ceremony, gets tangled in ribbon, rolls down hill.

8. Rob Ford attempts to build a house of cards, accidentally makes racial slur against Chinese people.

9. Rob Ford attempts to get police to leave his house after his wife makes a domestic disturbance call, his pants fall down.

10. Rob Ford attempts to read Bill O’Reilly’s memoir, but he’s holding it upside down.

11. Rob Ford attempts to drive past gay pride parade, jumps out of car because he’s afraid it caught AIDS.

12. Rob Ford attempts to dip his wife while tangoing, drops her into a vat of chocolate.

13. Rob Ford attempts to drive past open streetcar doors, drives into Condom Shack window.

14. Rob Ford attempts to lynch homeless man, farts.

15. Rob Ford attempts to be mayor, accidentally smokes crack.

A Compendium of Mark Ruffalo Puns

One of my safety nets on Twitter is to make Mark Ruffalo puns, and I wanted to get them all out at once so that I don’t have them to fall back on ANYMORE! Here is a helpful guide to those wishing to speak in the vernacular of a true Ruffalite.

Arc Ruffalo – Where Noah herded two of each charming animal during the great vagina flood after The Avengers came out.

Bark Ruffalo – Worse than my Bite Ruffalo.

Clark Ruffalo – Mark Ruffalo’s secret identity when he writes for the Daily Planet.

Dark Ruffalo – A gritty reboot of The Kids Are All Right.

Embark Ruffalo – What the devout call the yearly pilgrimage to the Obelisk of Charm.

Fark Ruffalo – A rarely-used website discussing humorous Ruffalo-related news.

Great White Shark Ruffalo – Nicest eyes in the sea.

Hark, Ruffalo! - Hymn #2953

Irk Ruffalo – Mild annoyance at how inept the film version of Blindness was.

Jerk Ruffalo – Useless term. Mark Ruffalo is not a jerk.

Kursk Ruffalo – Where the German-Russian struggle of WWII took a turning point due to Ruffalo’s kind tone really mellowing everyone out.

Lark Ruffalo – A carefree escapade, as if Ruffalo has any other setting than “carefree”.

Monarch Ruffalo – A butterfly that, when its wings are fully extended, appears to be the nicest dude in Hollywood.

Narc Ruffalo – That guy at the party that tells everyone about your hidden copy of The Brothers Bloom on DVD.

Oligarch Ruffalo – A ruling class we can all agree on.

Pork Ruffalo – A savoury dish made from pork loin and genuine smiles.

Quark Ruffalo – The smallest unit of matter in the Ruffalo-verse, my fan club.

Remark Ruffalo – A biting retort that you can brush off because you know the person saying it is a truly nice human being.

Stark Ruffalo – The main family residing in PantiesFell in the HBO program Game of Moans

Torque Ruffalo – The extra power your vehicle gets from being really respected in the acting community.

Uncork Ruffalo – How to open a bottle of champagne using only your entrancing eyes.

Vestigial Tail Scar-k Ruffalo – A vestigial tail scar that looks like Mark Ruffalo. You could have figured that one out, dummy.

Watermark Ruffalo – The easiest way to tell if you’re looking at a genuine Mark Ruffalo or a clone engineered by the man’s nemesis, Mark Roughalo.

X Marks the Ruffalo – Where pirates hide their suaveness.

Yellowstone National Park Ruffalo – Something about Old Faithful and vagina geysers and Mark Ruffalo being a handsome man. I don’t know. You figure it out.

Zanzibar-k Ruffalo – A region in Tanzania that really calms you and makes you feel listened to.

HOW A FEW SUBTLE CHANGES TO THE END OF LINCOLN COULD HAVE NABBED IT THE BEST PICTURE OSCAR

The Oscars are a tricky thing. Yes, they celebrate achievement in motion picture arts, but their criteria can be a little hard to discern. Such was the case with Lincoln, which many people thought was a lock to win the grand prize, but which fell short to Ben Affleck’s Argo. Here I’ve rewritten the climactic scene of the film to better appeal to Academy voters.

INT: FORD’S THEATRE LOBBY

LINCOLN ENTERS THE THEATRE WHILE OLD TIMEY GRAMMAPHONE MUSIC PLAYS BEHIND HIM.

LINCOLN

Sure is a great day to see a play, huh Mary Todd? Through the civil war,

slavery, and hardship, entertainment has always been here to help

us reflect on our follies, and comfort us with its grandeur.

HE EYES THE CONCESSION STAND WITH WONDER AND NOSTALGIA AS A SLOW PAN REVEALS PEANUTS, POPCORN, AND GOOD AMERICAN GRAPE SODA. HE ENTERS THE LARGE, LAVISH CINEMA DOORS AS BLINDING WHITE LIGHT EXITS FROM THEM (THIS IS A METAPHOR FOR HEAVEN OR SOMETHING I THINK)

INT: FORD’S THEATRE

LINCOLN IS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER THAT THERE IS NO SET ONSTAGE, BUT INSTEAD A LARGE WHITE SCREEN.

LINCOLN

What in tarnation? I’ve never seen a play like this before! Where

are the actors? Where are the sets? Where are the costumes?

A FIGURE PREVIOUSLY BATHED IN SHADOW STEPS FORWARD.

FIGURE

They are all in this canister, Mr. President.

LINCOLN (mystified)

Who are you? What is this contraption?

FIGURE

My name is John Wilkes Boothe, and this is cinema*, Mr. President.

I was sent here tonight to kill you, but the magic and wonder of the moving

picture has made me change my mind. God bless the Academy of Motion

Picture Artists for saving this country and ending slavery.

* Don’t worry, voters won’t check historical accuracy.

The Entire Script of Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

SCENE ONE

KRISTEN SCOTT THOMAS: We’re going to need you to go salmon fishing in the Yemen.

EWAN MCGREGOR: But you can’t salmon fish in the Yemen!

SCENE TWO

AMR WAKED: Welcome to Yemen! Let’s go salmon fishing!

EWAN MCGREGOR: But you can’t salmon fish in the Yemen!

SCENE THREE

EMILY BLUNT: I’ll sleep with you if you find a way to go salmon fishing in the Yemen.

EWAN MCGREGOR: But you can’t salmon fish in the Yemen!

SCENE FOUR

EWAN MCGREGOR: I can’t believe I’m salmon fishing in the Yemen! I’ve learned a valuable lesson about daring to accomplish your dreams! I was the one swimming upstream the whole time!

SCENE FIVE

Ewan McGregor and Emily Blunt have graphic sex for the remaining 115 minutes of the film.

eating up the americana and puking out the window while driving past state troopers

the hot wind hits my face
fuck i can’t breathe
sucking in dry
              stale air
sweating off the filth of last night’s fuck
             “Angelica”
           what a bitch.
late night sonic drive-in
interstate side wafflehouse
pulling over on the side of the road
    laughing every time we pass a church
we’re already in Hell, boys.

You lost.

(A Charles Bukowski-esque poem/mockery I wrote using my friend’s experiences visiting the deep south. Some of it is her own words.)

Daily Musings

• If someone in a wheelchair gets spinal surgery and is miraculously able to walk again, can they trade their wheelchair for a ton of pop tabs? Because those would be cool for decorating or something.
• If we lived in a post-apocalyptic world and the only currency was teeth, it would seem like that would give dentists the upper hand, right? Wrong, they don’t carry around teeth in their spare time, and people would probably just target them quicker.
• You remember last year, when Kanye West was an idiot all over Twitter, then he released that really amazing album? I don’t think it was that great. Here’s my theory: it’s the law of lowered expectations. If I read you the second Twilight book, you’d probably tell me it was awful. And you’d be right. BUT, if I told you Helen Keller wrote it, you’d think it was a work of genius. The same phenomenon works for Joaquin Phoenix. Lower the audience’s expectations, release something mediocre.

Picasso, Theatre, Self-Aggrandizing, and Rebecca Black

  I realize that I don’t write enough, and that’s detrimental to my imagination and creativity as an artist. So, I’ve decided to start this new blog with the intention to write in it every day. Of course, it probably won’t totally work out, everyone makes that plan, and it seldom works; but I think I can make a pretty honest go at it. 500 words a day or more about things I really care about.

     Reading John Logan’s Red has given me a very interesting perspective on Modern Art and its many incarnations. From Matisse, to Dali, to Man Ray, to the subject of the play, Mark Rothko, it’s really had an inverse trajectory to what many forms of popular culture have had. Modern art has really been about defying the conventions and finding how emotional resonance can be achieved in new and undiscovered ways. Picasso painted replicas of Manet’s work, hundreds of copies, before he touched Les Desmoiselles D’Avignon, for instance. It was all about taking in what has been done before, then finding out what perspective of that has never been explored. Hence why cubism usually involved three or four perspectives of the same form on the same canvas. Theatre has done much the same thing. We revere Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead because it takes arguably the most famous play of all time and uses it not as something to aspire to; but rather as a discussion that’s still open, a lens through which we can explore the human condition. However, being a visual artist and being a playwright or stage actor are two of the most perilous occupations one can place themselves in.

     Popular entertainment falls squarely on the opposite end of the spectrum. Profitable entertainment uses old material not as something that can still be explored and interpreted, but rather as an empty shell that can still be repainted and sold, content or not. This is why we laugh at Rebecca Black’s Friday, for instance. Ark Music Factory has taken what was successful about previous pop songs, and watered it down even more, removed more truth, and autotuned it way out of control. And you know what? It worked. Forbes mistakenly reported that Black was already a millionaire from iTunes sales, but the actual number is still impressive. $25,000. Black’s parents invested $2000 in their daughter’s singing career, and have made $25,000. All it really cost them was 15 minutes of humiliation for their daughter, and she will likely be forgotten by next month. Whether or not you think that’s justified, the point remains that it was profitable. This teaches us that the way to be famous isn’t to say something meaningful or revolutionary, people are bored and intimidated that shit. We want things we can laugh at, things that make us feel like we are the superior beings. That’s why we watch American Idol. That’s why we read Youtube comments. That’s why the majority of viewers actively turn on their televisions and watch Jersey Shore, knowing full well that they are giving the show the numbers and ad revenue to stay in production.

     We all just really want to feel like we’re better, smarter, cooler, and more talented than someone. Thanks, Rebecca Black’s parents. I feel better.